May 30, 2013
Basically, sad people tend to look only its negative side, that they forget to be happy. Once upon a memory.
That doesn't available for someone who don't know what happiness is, pardon me.
I write book, I read book. I forgot about my surroundings. I am no fit being with my friends, i always being the quietest among them all. I have no stories to tell, not as fantastic as theirs. So i manipulate them behind my huge glasses, i pretend. A lot. That's not that I'm very happy being me, sometimes it brings you mistakes and troubles. It aches a lot, sometimes. But i try to think that it is happen to everyone, so it is normal. I wish to not know more, but i end up hearing a lot of stories i shouldn't know. Sometimes i think I'm a lot too different with them. I don't get it when they say I'm bad. I try so hard everyday to survive, from their eyesight and assumption. Or else i fail. Looks like I don't really try hard enough. You can never please society. It might be true, everyone say it though. But they still have their very own opinion and decide to chatter around. I wonder more. So one day I try to look like them. As someone normal. I feel better as everyone try to talk to me more, they even pay attention on my slightest condition, like sullen or pouting. So i said to myself, to not being me for several months and let's see if I change myself back again, they'll notice. It is not like i completely like my new self, it is a burden to be exact.
My new self has completely went to the wrong direction and different from what I love being. I try to not care more than people usually do in certain moments. I try to be this very person people might love me as. But they will never know if it hurts others a lot. To not hearing someone who speak is okay i guess. Because someone say people hear what they wanna hear, and it goes worse if it is about what you are asking opinion for. Being a class-clown. I myself am not good at creating someone's laughter, i better be quiet if i want and letting them having their good time. So i try level one which is kinda self-destroying, I shamed myself by not talking back to my lecturer. I heard that's what those guys like to do. So when my lecturer kinda give me a hint of why i acted different, because i haven't teach by him for awhile and i could read his glimpse. He is very unhappy those time. He asked me to meet him after class.
I chew bubble gum to free myself from being upset, I know i shouldn't go so far. He asked me 'So you have found new friends for yourself?'. I nodded, still chewing my bubble gum about to swallow it before i realize I shouldn't. 'Have you ever think the risk for lost your dignity? You were not like this when I first time talked to you'. I don't know if I already used to being my other self but i raise my head and told him 'I'm happy' and leave my lecturer with my uncool style walking in the corridor. It aches. I changed a lot as in how i make myself up too. I replace my sneakers with heels, baggy pants with skinny jeans, pony-tail to let my hair just. Even i don't use my huge glasses anymore, for the sake of wearing lenses. I worried about little things, like pimples, sugar contain in my soda glass, I hang out more than usual -never- with my girlfriends i call them. I realize i obtain popularity, but no higher scores because i skip them every time i have chances. I go on diet when i was never care how many ice creams have i eat today.
I'm sick.
alter ego? Is there anything like that? I roll on my bed back and forth, trying to gather all the memories about my old self. I was so dumb for being realized I exist. I was a friend of Library, now I even never pass the Library even once. I was really a nice daughter for my mom, now i don't even bother to ask her how does she do. So i write everything up on my Diary. Though i never really sure i would finish it, i keep on writing what's on my mind. Regardless the storyline. I sometimes could see my diary as my real self than mirror. Because you write honesty on it, that everyone need no risk to read it. My diary sometimes contains more tears than words, I could think clearer when i write because book can wait me for everything I'm up to speak about. I stop writing about today's issue and walk outside my room where i see mom sitting and watching TV. I don't know how much mom is lonelier than me, but i think mom never really matters. I sit beside her, awkwardly. 'Mom..'. 'Do you need something? or is there anything wrong?' she reply.
Mom has been always like that, she provides help to me. Endlessly because she does care for us, me and my elder sister. 'I... kinda miss you' then i chuckled but she smiles warmly although she's kinda worn out. 'Mom... Have you ever find your other self when you were young?'
'I remember when i feel totally different when I'm around your Dad', there's a long silent until she continues.
'But you have to be aware with who you are with' Mom's eyes found mine.
'There is a huge different from different when your crush around and when you are with your friends. Don't force yourself for being someone they want you as if you aren't comfortable. Just do what you should do and what do you think is right. I think you already know about it?'
Dumbfounded, i nod in agreement.
enoughhhhhh.. i don't know stories that would be better than above. I am no good at creating moments, forever failed. Otherwise, all the sentences above are 100% mine. ;_; thankyou.
