July 16, 2013
day 1.
Well it was not bad. Only i wish to speak more! i mean.. i could speak more if only I'm able to speak cantonese fluently and it is truly awkward to speak in English. Seriously awkward and I know it is dangerous. HAHA. I'm so odd in front of them but i guess I smiled a lot that i shouldn't really concern about the very next day but, I miss home already. duh HAHA.
I'm not used to live without my mom so what the actual fuck should i do?! So i packed the certain types of cookies today; rainbow cookies, red velvet and cheese one. I can't really open my twitter since my fucky phone keep on being error since I'm still in my mom's womb and it is provokingly pissed me off to the center of the earth. I felt lonely... They give me freedom to sleep everywhere, on the piano or inside the aquarium but i choose to sleep alone in my fuckn huge aquarium //bedroom// and i am A-L-O-N-E.
I sadly left my mom at home and I know she'll miss me dearly because I'm her only person who able to chatter with /is not going to discuss upon my elder brother/ so i kinda tear up but unable to produce a single tear. I turned on and turned off the TV because it gave me nothing. I guess TV lost its personality now to entertain me. Nah. Books, i bring books but i hope to read them in this instant. Lack of time. Actually lack of interest to do activity. I choose passivity instead.
I wonder why my bedroom seems to be so 'crowded' i mean.. i keep on hearing footsteps or the TV sounds. Not that i convince myself to be afraid but also it is so noisy above. The source is eternally from the children run back and forth and *exhales deeply; internal scream* please send me home promptly. hehe ^-^
Well i can't wait for the next day when i sure will learn more in the cafe. I sure please have to be more active infront of them. But communication, I kinda shame of myself that I'm so very awkward to speak in our original language, I'm not good at cantonese either. Die bi die.
If you are extraordinarily rich, I don't think you wll be guaranteed by won't-be-lonely family. They don't even gather around in the evening. Hello... who are you? Oh fine go concern your life thankyou. Not that I'm badmouthing. Only i speak up what my brain consist of.
And I will gladly write a book about 'how to escape without being known' and it would be a big success because i think your existence would be barely remembered. They'll be like "Oh! you're here i almost forgot" tomorrow. Now tomorrow seems so far away that i thought it won't come to enter my life. That i really wanna wake up myself home.
And I'm hungry...
day 2.
I woke up at one and a half and turned off the AC then i slept again. Woke up at three and a half and unable to sleep again. I opened my bedroom's door and peek outside that is still pitch black. I sneaked in to my grandma's room and found her still deep in her sleep so i went back to my room and i am again, alone. I decided to take a bath at four. Done with bath is me then i crawl back to my bedroom, didn't turn on the TV just because. I even can't remember what happened but i sneaked in back to grandma's room at 6 and having a light conversation about I can't sleep and she said it was normal, and it is normal too if you want to cry. But you only have to keep it to yourself and not telling it to your parents to cause them concern about you.
I am a bit sad because I don't really like the atmosphere there. I feel alone and awkward and I can't fit in. I know it is only day 1 and 1/2 (day 2 hasn't yet starting) but i feel the tense. *bitter laugh*. It feels like it has been a week for me. I even dreamed about my mom. So i went back to my room after having a terrible long communication with my grandma and having a cup of tea and some pieces of bread in her room and she told me about her experiences as a leader for 55 years and each. I went back to my room and slept on the couch.
woke up at 9 and casually found my oh-so-called auntie? and she told me to take a breakfast first so she could bring me to the cafe. I went upstairs and all eyes on me, their own chef and maid that didn't even know me. I tried to smile and greet them good morning and i asked if i could eat. So one of the maid prepared a breakfast for me to eat and i ate... only like a bird. I lost my appetite somewhere. So i ran back to my auntie (her name is mimi) and she gave me the simple uniform, a pink polo shirt with a cafe name tainted on the left chest of the shirt. And we went to the cafe and left me there with about 5 /i guess they are still young?/ waiters because she want to pick Brian up from his school (her youngest son).
For about 6 hours i worked and i spilled 3 glasses of drink that i use for practice because there was a chance i should be a waitress and serve the foods and it was really heavy and my hands hurt. I feel betrayed by myself for being terribly weak and only strong for bullying people. forgive me. I almost cry when i asked my mom if she able to picked me up and she asked me how about tonight so i agreed promptly. Not that i wanted to go home because of i spilled the drinks but i wanted to go home because i feel so tense there i don't know what to do.
OKAY i know it is weird because i only there for a day, and i am so weak and fluffy and i stayed in my comfort zone for too long and i still snuggling inside to be honest. I can't work at something that is not my like but how to make you is if you stay away from your comfort zone and have some experiences. The waiters there didn't also talk much to me, they didn't even really ask me or what and there's one da gege there that is commanded to train me but he himself didn't really teach me if you want to do what and this and etc. I demand a long talks so i could understand that you guys want me here.
Not for something to treat like i am a nonexistent. CRIES BECAUSE I AM SO FALSE ABOUT WHAT I REALLY THINK ABOUT. I've been stayed in dream for a long time that i never step on reality. And i still living in my dream.
I wish if you don't have to judge me :')
